Beaten….

Feb 8, 2017 by

 

This was the hairbrush that sat on my mother’s bureau.   She would use it after her shampoo so that she could detangle her hair before setting it in curlers and putting on her curler cap.     Really I didn’t want to go there and remember this brush – I most definitely didn’t want to actually talk about this – privately or in public because I was VERY well trained to keep all the abusive behaviors I experienced in my childhood secret and “not talk about those things” – but truth is if I am going to stand in the world as an Empowered Messenger I had to.

See this is the brush (the back of which – see photo below) she used to beat me with.   In particular she used it to beat me when she found me in her bedroom when I was somewhere around maybe 9 and 12 and I was touching myself.   Masturbating is what that’s called but of course that was a word that was a bit large for my vocabulary at the time.

When she came in and found me there with my hands on myself – she grabbed that brush and started beating.   I remember screaming, screaming, screaming because she was hurting me.   Not just my hands which she beat first.  The real intense searing life scarring pain came when she went after my pussy directly.   Right on the lips she beat me.   Hard.  With the back of that little green polyethylene Fuller Brush.     I remember the shock and screaming at her that she was hitting my cunt – hoping desperately to get her to stop,  hoping that somehow if I screamed the “bad word” that she’d come out of her enraged state long enough to realize exactly what she was doing.

It’s been coming to me lately that this was abuse.   It’s also been coming to me lately that this “Family imprint” has been instrumental in a whole lot of dysfunction in my life.   From abusive relationships with men to inability to orgasm for most of my life to “faking it” in bed when a man was slamming me hard because I had no clue that I was supposed to be feeling something pleasurable and had equated love with pain at the very core of my being – at the opening of the sacred portal that co-creates, carries and brings life into being.


Recently all this “woke up” in me.  It started to wake up when the “grab em by the pussy” tapes were released during the election.   I got further triggered when I chose my “word of the year” for 2017 which is EMBODY.   Finally I spent two weekends in a row in January at events that were “Pussy-centric” and then attended another virtual event where I was informed that the “Lips of Your Yoni” are the place where our “family imprints” are stored.   Well how do you like that??

My (lower) lips became inflamed and irritated just thinking about this.   My eyes became filled with tears for the exploring child that I was who was simply discovering her own pleasure map – perfectly natural, perfectly attuned and pretty prohibitively shamed upon her discovery.   They want to be healed – both sets of my lips and my little girl.   My body want’s to let go of all the stored imprints of abuse – not just THIS incident although alchemizing this one should go a long way to bringing about a more healthy, joy filled, enthusiasm for embracing and embodying my erotic innocence.   My soul wants my innocent child to be restored in her fullest measure.   My mind wants to forget about that hard hard brutal brush.   My spirit wants to feel alive again, free, easy, flowing and most of all empowered…. Not beaten.

Save

4 Comments

  1. Angi

    I appreciate your bravery in sharing such an intimate memory. I was molested as a child by an older brother and when I asked my mom for help, she asked me to get on my knees and pray for forgiveness so that I didn’t go to hell. I have been working through the repercussions of my childhood as well. I picked verbally abusive men that seemed familiar to the verbal abusive that I endured. Our family had some major dysfunction under the guise of Christianity and sin being something you blamed on Satan rather than taking responsibility. That’s a more brief version, but I do believe we need to share and understand how many of us there are out here. Sending you hugs and love your inspiration around reconnecting with our innocence. I really want that too.

  2. Jaylene Ferrelli

    Its surprizing to me that any of us turn out to be half normal because of the tramas we have been thru when we were kids and especially little girls. It makes me very sad to know that so many girls have experienced sexual abuse and i know it lasts all thru ones life. In my family it has stopped with my grandaughter. I have been told that it stops with the 5th generation and I hope that is true. I know that I have carried my secret for many years and I am still working on letting it go. Thanks for sharing your story of how those old feelings hang on but we can let them go and step into innocence once again.
    wahoo

  3. Kate Sorensen

    Huge thanks to you for finding the courage to speak up clearly and graphically for all of us! One more powerful step toward reclaiming our strength and wholeness together. One more layer released, as we invite our pain to come out of the shadows and affirm that the shame we’ve carried was born of old lies. Who knows where your mother’s rage came from, but obviously it wasn’t really about you and your precious girl-body. I believe your stand for embodied truth now is helping to heal your whole family lineage as well as being part of my own awakening– and everybody’s. Blessings!

  4. Kate Howells

    Thank you so much for your story. Though not beaten in this way, I was physically hit by a parent whose heart was hardened by his own painful experience. Of course, as a child, I thought he didn’t love me because I wasn’t enough.

    I am holding close in my heart all the women (and men) whose spirits have been broken by an unconscious being. May we all be safe, may we all be happy, may we all be at peace, may we all realize our True Natures.

    I’m thrilled with the Women’s Movement… and the powerful healing, and community it offers. Let’s each and all keep that energy alive and moving in positive directions. I believe that what we Resist, Persists…. so let us Be a Powerful Stand For Love in the world…. in whatever ways we are called.

    I’m off to finish knitting my pink Power Pussy hat!

    Blessings,
    Kate

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Connect with Facebook

Related Posts

Tags

Share This

Recent Posts

Privacy Policy / Terms and Conditions / Refund Policy