Silencing the Lambs…..
My momma beat me with her brush, my daddy beat me with his belt. Especially when he was drunk – which was most of the time. I used to curl up and hide under my bed – trying to make myself as small and unreachable as possible – and still he’d drag me out from under there and I’d receive that beating – made doubly long and hard because I made it more difficult for him to get at me.
Often I was beaten for “starting” an argument with my little brother. Because I was “older” and “should know better” than to fight with him. Even if I was merely standing up for myself and asking for what I wanted (like the “good” seat on the couch or the tv show that I enjoyed) the expectation was that I was to capitulate and keep the peace or suffer the consequences of that belt being pulled out of the belt loops, folded in half and flailing on my little girl body.
My dad was about 5’10 and 200 pounds. When I was 3 I remember he was on top of my mom on the bed going after her with a lamp from the bedside table in one of his hands and I went and got a yard stick to hit him on the behind to try to stop him from hurting her. I don’t even remember when I first got “the belt” but I have bright searing memories of being chased down, pulled out from under the bed or out of the closet where I would hide sometimes and beaten way more than once.
I remember the worst times were when he didn’t have his pants on – when he was lying drunk in his bathrobe in his tv room – and he’d make me “GO GET THE BELT” – and bring it to him. There’s something beyond humiliating, degrading and devastating to the psyche when you have to bring yourself to bring the object of your abuse to your abuser.
Stuff like that will shut you down, keep you quiet, send you “out of body” or set you on the path of self-destruction – simply to cope with a reality that seems to horrific to bear and over which you have no control.
Have you been abused in the past (or in a past life)? Sexually, Emotionally, Physically, Psychologically?
Triggered now because of all the changes on the political landscape that have unleashed abusive behaviors that were previously being held in check?
Understand that you cannot freely move forward and find your way to flourish until you clean up your past?
Need support and a sacred space to be held, witnessed and supported to transform the terror into treasure? A bridge between the silence and the speaking of your truth?
If “we don’t talk about those things” then they will forever remain trapped in our psyche, and in our bodies at the cellular level. Experiences like these – left untended – will cause to you create all kinds of havoc in other areas of your life as you continue to replay the abuse dynamic in other relationships or on yourself – or both. This may look like challenges with your health, your business, money, marriage, relationship with your own children or a myriad of other different ways that your soul is crying out to you attempting to get you to pay attention so this dynamic can be both revealed and healed.
Awareness is the first step to healing and alchemizing any challenge. Then we have to name what’s at the core of it, speak about it and discover tools for transmuting it.
I have to share a truth – I REALLY didn’t want to go down the rabbit hole of healing AGAIN. I really wanted to just paint a pretty picture of what my life could be like if I just focused on flourishing. Then my Spirit said Whoa Nelly – you simply CAN NOT GO THERE (to the “sunshine and rainbows”) until you GO THERE (to the dark, ugly, painful, unhealed, grief filled, angry, underbelly). So I’ve been taking some time on my own to work my magic on where I was carrying a few personal abuse stories (again!) and then was asked/guided/directed to offer my gold to you.
One of the tools that I use is to work with Mother Earth in order to be able to GROUND and simply stay in my body long enough to let myself become aware and able to let out that which has been trapped and held within me.
I’ve had a lot of people comment on how “courageous” I am to be writing, speaking out and sharing these experiences – but the truth is that I am only able to do that because of the tremendous amount of transmutation/alchemy work that I have done and going back again and again to simple tools that simply work.
Three of those tools can be accessed in this resource that I co-created several years ago with a partner when I was Amethyst Wyldfyre.
I offer it to you now if you are ready to be supported in your own journey of revealing, shedding and transmuting all that no longer serves you so that you too can FEEL SAFE SPEAKING and be both healed and heard.
When we express what has been repressed the ripple effect we create is beyond magic – in fact I do believe it’s the path to our full empowerment as messengers here to co-create a paradigm shift all around the world. Let me know if you have any questions about Feel Safe Speaking or if you feel like you’d like to go deeper and have more personalized support directly from me to help you to heal.